It is always a lovely treat for me to have any member of my family to come and visit me in Malaysia. I’ve always been the one who lived quite a distance from my family – the one who ventured out of the country. So when Krey had the opportunity to train his colleagues in Singapore, we jumped right in to make sure we fly him here. And I am so glad we did just that!
I feel a great connection and great love for Krey. I treasure him as my brother. I am proud of him and I know our Mom is too. He’s hard-working, humble and self-motivated. He’s smart too. I am happy for his success. I’m happy for him and his family and his 3 wonderful kids that are smart and loving. I wish they came with him too. Someday…
This is Krey’s first of many trips abroad! I know that he will be given plenty of opportunity to visit again – and perhaps other countries too. I sure do wish that for him. He is so excited to see other places and explore other culture. He said that he had a great time in Genting Highlands Theme Park but all the while he was thinking about his family. His favorite ride was the bumper car. The Sullivan Family, Dennis and I and Krey were really on each other – so much RAGE at the bumper car station.
However, his favorite day on his trip here was the shopping day. He said it was so much fun thinking and buying stuff for his family back in the Philippines. We spoiled him and he was like a kid on his birthday! I had such an exciting time just watching him beaming with joy as he gets new stuff! What a treat!
He said that although he was so excited to travel, he feels even more excited to go home and tell his little ones his adventures in Singapore and Malaysia. It just goes on to say that wherever we may be, our soul will always hunger for home where our loved ones are.
I got overly excited with the prospect of adopting a child that as soon as we get an acknowledgment from an authorized agency with instructions as to what we need to prepare, I totally didn't realized that the first checklist requires that all applicants must be married for at least five (5) years. Sad that we have to wait for another year to even be eligible. But that didn't get me down. We'd still go through it a year from now (if our circumstances will not change). However, I widened my prospect by looking into adoption process in the Philippines.
I stumbled upon this blog: http://philippinesadoption.blogspot.com/ about a couple who started the adoption process in January of 2007 and in February of 2011, they got their bundle of joy. It's inspiring... but I can't help but feel dejected that the whole process requires that I be patient (patience is my Achilles tendon)... time is of the essence. I'm sure there are faster means to procure an adopted child (not going through the proper channel) but as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the guidelines for us seeking to adopt children is that we should "strictly observe all legal requirements of the countries (and their governmental subdivision) that are involved. [We] are encouraged to work through licensed, authorized agencies" (Church Policies 21.1.3).
I peruse further with how the couple got their adopted child through ICAB (Inter-Country Adoption Board) as we plan to bring our adopted child to Malaysia, and found their website http://www.icab.gov.ph very helpful. This is quite a long tunnel but it’s worth trying. I remember my visiting teacher Jessica who visited me last week and told me that it matters to God if I have done my best (with all the energy of heart) to work on what I desire most - children. The tragedy would be to blame Him for not giving me what I want but failed to do my best in extracting possible ways and means to have children in this world. Not being able to answer Him if He ask, "Joanah, have you done your best? Have you extracted all your resources?" would be shameful. If I can say yes to Him, then I will not be scared to face Him. And I shall be happy with my "incompleteness". This is truly my refiner's fire.
Anyways, in contrast to Malaysia's minimum of five years marriage, ICAB only requires three (3) which makes us eligible (I think it has been modified to minimum of one year provided some conditions are met - I have to research this one further). This is going to be a journey... I have high hopes in meeting the fertility doctor that was recommended to us by a close friend. We'll keep working on that one too.
It's been a while now since I last wrote a blog. It's about time that I resurrect myself from the abyss of seclusion. I purposely did so as I felt that my life went through a fallow period. Fearing to diffuse the negative energy brought about by my shallow understanding of life and unbelief, I stayed away from blogging. NASA successfully landed in Mars after so much failed costly attempts, Britney Spears has moved on and is back on track (Mars and Britney Spears - forgive me for my strange juxtaposition, my brain is wired differently and it's unfortunate that I failed to school it in more scholarly ways)... and I... remain... childless... (WOW! - putting it in writing is painfully therapeutic).
The good news: I'm not depress about my childlessness now! "Now" because there are days when it does bring me down but I am able to manage it without having to check with my Shrink. I finally made my peace with God and faithfully looking forward to my divinely appointed time to mother my future posterity. I can genuinely say that when my friends/acquaintances are blessed with child, I rejoice in their happiness. I wouldn't want to have "their" kids... it's theirs. I will rejoice in mine when it will finally come. Dennis will be a wonderful Dad!
What are we doing now with our childlessness issue? Dennis and I recently registered our names on an adoption waiting list and will complete the essential requirements so we can be interviewed. A good friend of mine introduced me to it. The process will take a while but since we signed up for it, I felt that my priorities were suddenly changing. My resolution to strengthen my marriage was magnified. It took a lot of faith in my part to give adoption a chance. Dennis, on the other hand, is open about it and excited to bring up adopted children as our own. I was hesitant because I fear that I won’t be able to really love them as a biological mother would. After much prayer, I received an answer that dispelled my doubt, an article from the Church’s website (lds.org) about a couple who took their adopted child to the Temple there to be sealed for time and eternity. They did it again the second time for their second adopted child. This knowledge that I can be sealed to my future adopted children and I can be their mother for as long as we keep the covenants we entered into in the House of God during our earthly life, they can be mine forever and ever! FOREVER… if they give me Indian or Chinese children or whatever race they may be, the sealing ordinances of the gospel will transcend these boundaries and we will be an Eternal Rainbow Family! Just the thought of it makes me happy :)
A day after we signed up: an unexpected news from our Church friend gives us another hope for another shot at getting pregnant. A fertility doctor who lives quite a distance from us apparently has worked with so many couple who struggled for many years to get pregnant. The success rate is high. We’ve started inquiring about this doctor and will post any progress (or even the lack thereof).
I see a light at the end of a four-year childless tunnel… regardless if we get it now or not at all… I’m very positive about our future… in the eternal scheme of things… I will not be childless forever ;)
"True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for awhile. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off..." -- Author Unknown
It's my first visit in Jakarta, Indonesia (December 3-7, 2011) - Dennis is here for work while I'm here to be with Neena - one of my bestfriend from University years. I don't know exactly how our friendship started but it was one of those that just happened.
We are now both married and living lives that we both did not expect... nonetheless we are pressing on... going back is not an option for both of us. We both are changed in many ways...but whenever I'm with her, even after not seeing each other for a long time, we do pick up right where we left off... it's amazing how that works.
I see great strength in her... I sometimes do not understand when others say that she's physically weak... because despite her health conditions I see and feel strength beyond what I've known she is capable of. I see a strong woman ready to take on her journey... and she will not be alone. She has grown beyond her years and I look up to her then and I still do now.
Neena is truly one of a kind. I wish I could say so much more about Jakarta - but my visit really wasn't meant to explore the country but to "pick up right where Neena and I left off" and we did just that. Mission accomplished.
First of, I would like to thank my wife for reminding me that I should write my journal on the blog that she created for us. That's why the name of the blog is "Dennis & Joanah." When my wife told me that I should write on the blog, I didn't object, and surprisingly I said yes. It reminds me of Elder's Scott's talk. He wanted to fix the washing machine for his wife, but his wife told him that he should spend more time with his children. At first, he hesitated, but at the end he gave in. I think I should spend more time sharing with others about my feelings and thoughts that would perhaps inspire others or give others hope that there is a better future out there.
Alright, let's get back to the comment that my wife posted on the blog, title, "At The Cross Road." Somehow, the title reminds me of the book that I read for a class, I can't remember what class, but the title of the book is "At the Cross Road." It is about a guy who went through a really tough time in his life. At one point of his life, while he was walking on the farm, he came to a junction where there was only one junction. It is either you take left or right, without knowing what lies ahead of him. I guess at one point in time, our lives maybe at the cross road, where we have to make certain decisions in our life. The question is which road will lead to a better future? I believe that no matter what road we take, we should always have hope that the outcome will lead to a better life.
Couple of nights ago, Dennis and I were lying down, looking at each others' eyes and waiting for sleep to come. Sleep was no where near so we decided to talk about 'us'. Moved by the spirit, I felt impress to listen to Dennis (it's almost often the other way around). While looking at me and stroking my hair so lovingly, he then proceeded to ask me "life-altering questions". The kind that wakes you up from a deep slumber. The kind that Elder Holland was talking about recently from his general conference address : "...to afflict the comfortable". And by divine intervention, my mouth was struck dumb and my heart did not protest but took it all in. One such questions cut through deep inside my soul: "Hon, what is your priority? Is it our family? Why do you always want to leave?" I wasn't sure what he meant but I was under the impression that if our family is indeed my priority, I did not make it clear to him in my words, in my thoughts and in my deeds.
Dennis then proceeded to chastise me with so many things I have neglected or refused to do, the things that I am lacking - Dennis prepares my breakfast, he washes and irons our clothes, he cleans the house, etc. He does all that without any help from me. I have been neglecting my share of the load for few months now (this is embarrassing and hard for me to even write). He even ask me if I ever think of him... (all these was done while he was stroking my hair, lying in our bed, looking across each other). In all the time we were together... that's when I felt loved the most. He wanted me to grow. To remember who I am - a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Dennis wanted me to realize my potential and let my light shine. I think I'm too comfortable now... I know Dennis is reliable and responsible so I play the truant wife.
We said I love you and we hugged until sleep overcame us both. I woke up thinking about what transpired the night before. My untamed heart and my raging pride was silenced for once. And I felt repentant. A poem came to mind... which I memorized i think when i was in elementary or high school, :
Shall I follow the stream
Or cross the sea,
Strive for a dream
Or let life be?
Shall it be neon lights
That spell sucess,
Or flickering lamplight
For happiness?
Follow the thunder?
Follow the storm?
Follow the whisper
That leaves and breeze form?
Follow my heartbeat?
Follow my head?
What shall each bring me?
Where shall each lead?
... I am not certain why that poem just came to me. I forgot who the author was. It's one of those things you were asked to memorized that never left you like "13 Articles of Faith", "All Things Bright and Beautiful" (a poem), "Arrival Speech of Benigno S. Aquino" (a speech). I know it's random but those are the things I know by heart. But yeah... the poem came to me like a rushing tide. I am not sure why and how I am going to make it up to Dennis, to myself and to my Father in Heaven. But I feel that I gotta start somewhere. After I came back from work yesterday, instead of opening the fridge and having an ice cream while I seat for hours either listening to the radio, watching the TV (most often is watching TV), taking a nap or reading books until Dennis comes home... I took a broom and a dust pan and cleaned our living room... only then did I watch TV and finished reading the book I have been reading for 3 days.
It was small...but it made Dennis happy. He even suggested that I use the vacuum. Under normal circumstances, I would have said, "Don't push your luck." But feeling repentant, I thought that was a lovely idea...
I remember when I was little, I would watch "Land Before Time" with my siblings. It's a story about Littlefoot, who is orphaned when his mother is killed by a Sharptooth. Littlefoot is searching for the "Great Valley" where there is food and no Sharptooth. On his journey, he became friends with four dinosaurs: Cera,Ducky, Petri and Spike (my favourite - he's the youngest of all).
These 5 dinosaur friends survived adversity - being attacked and almost eaten by Sharptooth, earthquakes, volcanic eruption, being divided by opinions, etc. What kept them from focusing on their goal to find the 'Great Valley' is Littlefoot's mother, who (before passing away) told him how to get there and that she will be with him. When all hope is gone and Littlefoot is losing faith of ever finding the 'Great Valley', he saw a cloud that looks and sound like his mother. He followed the cloud which leads him to the Great Valley, where the rest of the dinosaurs are including Littlefoot's grandparents. And all dinosaurs were reunited with their family. "And they all grew up together in the valley. generation upon generation, each passing on to the next, the tale of their ancestor's journey to the valley long ago".
We would all bawl over this animated film and my youngest brother Tan-tan (he's probably 4 or 5 then) would cry and Mama would go to him and hug him. Mama would cry watching this one too. I miss her... I miss Tan-tan too... I miss Ate Lala... I miss Kuya Kokoy... I miss Ate Aleth... I miss Krey-krey... I miss Two-two... I miss Dad too. I miss our brother Gab too...
When Mama died, I felt numb. I worked, hardly ate, couldn't really sleep. For a while, I became neither happy nor sad. Just like what the song 'If we hold on together' said, I was truly out there in the dark. But it was around this time that I knew even more that we can be together forever with my Mama. "When we are out there in the dark, we'll dream about the sun. In the dark we'll feel the light, warm our hearts, everyone."
To my Mama... please watch over us, especially our dearest bunso Tan-tan as he continue his journey without your physical presence. Watch over Ate Lala as she starts her life anew...Kuya Kokoy as he bear his burden with great faith and compassion... Ate Aleth as she strives to make her house a home... Kuya Krey as he endeavor to help our family and establish his own... Two-two as she struggles to regain her faith in the gospel, in love and in life... Daddy as he struggles to be strong without you by his side... and to me... as I struggle to come to terms with the choices I made in my life.
We love you Mama...we know we can find you everywhere..."in the morning light, in the evening star, you're always there".
