Sunday, October 10, 2010
Cold and Broken Hallelujah
The first time I fell in love... it broke me. It was something I desired for goodness how long. I have spent many nights on my knees pleading for my Father in Heaven to let me feel that it's okay to jump "heart first" on this one. But everyday for a month of asking the same thing my heart raised to a certain degree that my faith was shaken. I felt danger... fear... excitement... and when you've never been kissed at 20, you just think "What the heck, just this one will not hurt!"
So I shut my eyes as I jumped "heart first"... I shut my mind to any reason... and I shut my ears to constant warning... and I fell... hard as humanly possible. I fell deep... and it was blissful at first.... for a while nothing else matters... for a while it was just him and me forever and ever. I was addicted to "all of him".
Then I opened my eyes - wide open this time and saw blood on the floor from the strong impact... my mind identified the excruciating pain and every fiber of my being felt it... and my ears heard what I have been hearing all along. And then I see my dreams breaking into pieces... I see a dark future... there's no "time and all eternity" in it... no Temple...no serving a full-time mission... no BYUHawaii... It was just me and a broken hallelujah. It was just me as an albatross to the man I first gave my heart.
And I knew I had to make it right... and I tried. Heaven knows how hard I tried. Daddy and Mama knows how hard I tried. My siblings know how hard I tried. I pulled myself right out of that mess I made. And it took me years to move on. And after seven years, I did. And I have.
The memory is still there... vague but present. I wish I had been wiser then... and spared myself and my first love "shattered confidence". To you my friend... forgive me for braking your heart that resulted in breaking my own.
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Love this post. I felt the same way back in High school when I was still young and naive. And I fell in love hard core.And it took me a while to forget but I know I have to.And I did and now I am happy.Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAte, I just dreamed about you and Dennis last night. You were in the PI, nagbabakasyon! Anyway, I feel the same way most of the time, only there was an RM, someone I really loved (deeply and it drove me insane), and a "possible" TM but my trip to see him (and be his friend for the last time) was worth losing my IWES scholarship because that's when I knew he wasn't the one... I realized that our feelings weren't mutual. I had a hard time moving on not because I lost him as my x-bf but because I lost one of the very closest handful of "guy" friends I had in BYUH... and maybe up until now I'm sad that I lost him as my close friend...
ReplyDeletethe wound is almost completely healed, I don't talk about the past anymore, unlike before. Saying "yes" to Jesse and putting my trust in God back then no matter how confused I was - was the best thing I've ever done to myself. I married a guy whom I love and who loves me too, who doesn't drive me insane with heartaches, who honors his priesthood, who tries to raise our family into righteousness, who works hard and still finds time to spend with us, and everything. He's not perfect (none of us are) but he's everything I've ever prayed for all those years...
ReplyDeleteLois and Sam... this was a little hard for me to write actually because I fear that people will judge me. but I watched the Criminal Minds a while back... and towards the end of the show, they always say a quote. One of which says something like this: if your write for yourself, you might win the public... if you write for the public, you might lose yourself. So, there... I am putting myself out there... thank you for your great comments.
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