Coming Back to Life...(writing for myself)

It's been a while now since I last wrote a blog. It's about time that I resurrect myself from the abyss of seclusion. I purposely did so as I felt that my life went through a fallow period. Fearing to diffuse the negative energy brought about by my shallow understanding of life and unbelief, I stayed away from blogging. NASA successfully landed in Mars after so much failed costly attempts, Britney Spears has moved on and is back on track (Mars and Britney Spears - forgive me for my strange juxtaposition, my brain is wired differently and it's unfortunate that I failed to school it in more scholarly ways)... and I... remain... childless... (WOW! - putting it in writing is painfully therapeutic).

The good news: I'm not depress about my childlessness now! "Now" because there are days when it does bring me down but I am able to manage it without having to check with my Shrink. I finally made my peace with God and faithfully looking forward to my divinely appointed time to mother my future posterity. I can genuinely say that when my friends/acquaintances are blessed with child, I rejoice in their happiness. I wouldn't want to have "their" kids... it's theirs. I will rejoice in mine when it will finally come. Dennis will be a wonderful Dad!

What are we doing now with our childlessness issue? Dennis and I recently registered our names on an adoption waiting list and will complete the essential requirements so we can be interviewed. A good friend of mine introduced me to it. The process will take a while but since we signed up for it, I felt that my priorities were suddenly changing. My resolution to strengthen my marriage was magnified. It took a lot of faith in my part to give adoption a chance. Dennis, on the other hand, is open about it and excited to bring up adopted children as our own. I was hesitant because I fear that I won’t be able to really love them as a biological mother would. After much prayer, I received an answer that dispelled my doubt, an article from the Church’s website (lds.org) about a couple who took their adopted child to the Temple there to be sealed for time and eternity. They did it again the second time for their second adopted child. This knowledge that I can be sealed to my future adopted children and I can be their mother for as long as we keep the covenants we entered into in the House of God during our earthly life, they can be mine forever and ever! FOREVER… if they give me Indian or Chinese children or whatever race they may be, the sealing ordinances of the gospel will transcend these boundaries and we will be an Eternal Rainbow Family! Just the thought of it makes me happy :)

A day after we signed up: an unexpected news from our Church friend gives us another hope for another shot at getting pregnant. A fertility doctor who lives quite a distance from us apparently has worked with so many couple who struggled for many years to get pregnant. The success rate is high. We’ve started inquiring about this doctor and will post any progress (or even the lack thereof).

I see a light at the end of a four-year childless tunnel… regardless if we get it now or not at all… I’m very positive about our future… in the eternal scheme of things… I will not be childless forever ;)