To my Daddy

When I was little, me and my sisters would always dream of a nice wedding where we all could sing one of our favorite songs of Jose Mari Chan, "Sing Me Your Song Again Daddy". Well, I did but none of my family were able to witness it, especially my Dad. So this year, I recorded a video and I was holding back the tears because I really miss my Dad and wished he was there to see me start my life with a wonderful man whom I fell in love with. Dad can be a pain most of the time but he loves our family. He sometimes have strange ways of showing it but there's no question that he loves us with all of his heart. To my Dad who I owe my life... I miss your voice, I miss you singing to us, I miss you telling us stories of "Bantay", "Kapre", and many others. You are one amazing father. I love you.

That's What Twins Are For

To the one who I shared my mother's womb at the same time.

I am forever grateful that you're my twin. Thank you for looking after me --- in good times and bad. I have so much reason to be well again. I have great families, friends, colleagues at work. I promise I will get better. I'm already on my way to get better because I feel loved. My life is truly blessed by our Father in Heaven.

I just watched a video that was shared by a friend of mine, Joseph Moore, about people who have suffered rejection and discouragement in life but pushed their way out of it with so much faith and determination that those people who told them they can't was truly proven wrong. Towards the end of the video is a quote: "If you've never failed in life, you've never lived" (Life = risk). Its very inspiring.

I know I have so much expectation on myself and to others and I should listen to you more often and lower that expectation just like you and my branch president said. Don't worry now ok? I will be get better.

Two Words

I recorded this video day after my birthday, June 18, 2010 - to thank Dennis for choosing me and for making me realize that life is a lot more meaningful when we are looking at the same "destination" - eternity. We are far from it but I know that as we each draw closer to our Savior Jesus Christ, we're a step closer to that blissful place of eternity.

Very Filipino!

I saw this youtube video that my good friend (one of the best), Emerson, shared and Dennis was in awe... I told him that this is a very "normal" reaction from a Pinoy cool "badings" and that they are extremely fun to be around with. I have a lot of gay friends back home and they watch your back like a lioness to its cub. And because they are Pinoys, and we are known to be extremely passionate, we are capable of loving so much and hating so much, etc. And I told him that Pinoys are big on Ms. Universe Pageant (even Barangay pageant as long as its pageant of some sort)...AND most of all... BOXING! Beauty & Beast!!! One great contrast to describe Filipino at its best. We can be very very nice and cuddly... but we can throw punches here and there that would knock anyone down who gets in our way. hehe!

Supporting my Insanity?

I am going through a difficult stage in my life where I feel that everything is closing down on me, the world is turning its back on me, the skies are grey, the rainbow is black and white, and I'm a bad person, etc. Anyhows, I've been fighting this feeling for several weeks now because clearly I have no reason to think that the world is coming to an end. Yes, I have setbacks and they are serious in nature but the pros outweighs the cons.

And yet, I find myself having uncontrollable feeling of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness like I've never felt before. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts of s-----e, waking up in the middle of the night just crying and refusing to be comforted (it's like I'm taking refuge in my very dark world). I remember Dr. Goodwill and Dr. Day always talking about Norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin, etc. neurotrasmitters that aid in feelings of well-being... I guess I'm running short of those. Time to see a medical professional.

In the midst of these episodes of my "lowest of low", Dennis has been very supportive and loving. He's the one who suffers the most because I live with him (poor thing). Last night I was extremely sad and crying while eating (just terrible)and then an hour later I was happy and dancing like a fool - Dennis danced along and it made me laugh so hard. I hugged him and thank him for supporting my insanity and whispered to him that I will do all I can to be better (e.g. get rid of this depression with the help of able medical professionals). He then counselled me to not lose faith in my Father in Heaven that I will find the comfort and peace that I need.

In times like this, I miss my family in the Philippines the most. Whenever I make major mistakes, it never really let them down... they still believed in me and they are a great support system. I guess blood relations does that. My newfound family, Dad James and Mom Annie are all the more sensitive of my needs too. Mom Annie is aware that my pimple breakouts since I moved here to Malaysia is really affecting me and she's always on the lookout for facial treatment promotions and beauty products that are potential answer to my wicked acne problems. Dad James on the other hand, has been a great emotional support for me. He may not know the details of what I'm going through, but he's very sensitive of my feelings. Just last night, Dennis came home with a newspaper in hand that Dad James wanted me to read. It's about being resilient and it shares about the story of Helen Keller. I'm grateful for my in-laws.

Sunday. We were visited by the Lim Family - with the four kids. It was special. I felt special. I felt understood... I still don't have answers as to what I'm going to do with myself... I am in a downward spiral but after their visit... I see a glimpse of hope that I can come out of it strong. My hope is that it will happen soon... I don't want to be a burden anymore to Dennis who is forever convinced that he deserves me when clearly, he deserves so much better. He keeps reminding me that our marriage is eternal so giving up is not an option... only moving forward.

Babies Getting Dumped

Ok, so for this past few months "Star" newspaper (Malaysia) has been writing about babies that have been left by their parents at strangers doorstep or at the hospitals after being delivered... and today's frontpage is even more shocking - police had to rummage through a dumpsite to find a foetus.

In that same news article a baby boy was left with his umbilical cord still attached to him right outside a policeman's house. He was then rushed to the hospital for treatment. The baby boy is so handsome and is smiling in the picture. I don't know what the circumstances the mother might have found herself in that lead her to a decision of abandoning her baby but I have a very strong feeling that it will break her heart to see that picture of a perfect angel that she just gave away.

I was born in Butuan City, Agusan del Norte (Mindanao)and we lived right by the Agusan River, third largest basin in the Philippines. I remember when I was about 5 years old, there was a big commotion in our neighborhood and being the nosy girl that I was, I went and checked what was going on. The closer I get to where a lot of the people are gathered, the noxious stench became unbearable but it didn't stop me from finding out. I saw men who are trying to lift a sack with dead babies and they found about 2 of them. I didn't understand it then why this has to happen to innocent babies who had done no wrong (they were never given a chance to make that choice). I didn't understand it then... and I still don't... and perhaps never will. But what I do understand is the feeling I get whenever I see or hear of these things - longing to have been given a chance to care for them. My parents always keep our doors open to runaway maids, to strangers who need a place to stay... and our family is big because we know so many of them who became a part of our family. They are very caring people.

We take anything in... even stray dogs. At one time, we had four dogs. Two who we chose (Lad and Risky), one (Beauty) who choose my family over her owner (they moved to a new place in a new town but Beauty found her way back into our house and to this day we still haven't figured out how she managed to find her way), and one (Chance) who was left right outside our doorstep but was taken back after few weeks and it broke our heart.

(Sigh) I wish I have forever to tell you stories about this 4 beautiful dogs.. I'll save it for some other time. As I was writing... about the babies getting dumped... I know they are safe in the arms of the One who gave them life... the One who gave us ours.

Weakness - a Crime?

"Ode to the Mote in Mine Eyes"

You,
yes you,
who magnified my weakness,
look around you.

You,
yes you,
who think my weakness is a crime,
open your eyes...
Because the world has real criminals,
and not all of them, although convicted,
are guilty of their crimes.

Note: I think I know this all along, but it never quite registered until now.. a realization that I am the greatest enemy of myself. That I am the worst judge of myself. Simon Cowell's "medieval stoning" through his foul mouth that everyone are just so into these days, I can't believe I even consider this, is as sweet as honey compared to the voices in my head.