Supporting my Insanity?

I am going through a difficult stage in my life where I feel that everything is closing down on me, the world is turning its back on me, the skies are grey, the rainbow is black and white, and I'm a bad person, etc. Anyhows, I've been fighting this feeling for several weeks now because clearly I have no reason to think that the world is coming to an end. Yes, I have setbacks and they are serious in nature but the pros outweighs the cons.

And yet, I find myself having uncontrollable feeling of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness like I've never felt before. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts of s-----e, waking up in the middle of the night just crying and refusing to be comforted (it's like I'm taking refuge in my very dark world). I remember Dr. Goodwill and Dr. Day always talking about Norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin, etc. neurotrasmitters that aid in feelings of well-being... I guess I'm running short of those. Time to see a medical professional.

In the midst of these episodes of my "lowest of low", Dennis has been very supportive and loving. He's the one who suffers the most because I live with him (poor thing). Last night I was extremely sad and crying while eating (just terrible)and then an hour later I was happy and dancing like a fool - Dennis danced along and it made me laugh so hard. I hugged him and thank him for supporting my insanity and whispered to him that I will do all I can to be better (e.g. get rid of this depression with the help of able medical professionals). He then counselled me to not lose faith in my Father in Heaven that I will find the comfort and peace that I need.

In times like this, I miss my family in the Philippines the most. Whenever I make major mistakes, it never really let them down... they still believed in me and they are a great support system. I guess blood relations does that. My newfound family, Dad James and Mom Annie are all the more sensitive of my needs too. Mom Annie is aware that my pimple breakouts since I moved here to Malaysia is really affecting me and she's always on the lookout for facial treatment promotions and beauty products that are potential answer to my wicked acne problems. Dad James on the other hand, has been a great emotional support for me. He may not know the details of what I'm going through, but he's very sensitive of my feelings. Just last night, Dennis came home with a newspaper in hand that Dad James wanted me to read. It's about being resilient and it shares about the story of Helen Keller. I'm grateful for my in-laws.

Sunday. We were visited by the Lim Family - with the four kids. It was special. I felt special. I felt understood... I still don't have answers as to what I'm going to do with myself... I am in a downward spiral but after their visit... I see a glimpse of hope that I can come out of it strong. My hope is that it will happen soon... I don't want to be a burden anymore to Dennis who is forever convinced that he deserves me when clearly, he deserves so much better. He keeps reminding me that our marriage is eternal so giving up is not an option... only moving forward.