To my Daddy

When I was little, me and my sisters would always dream of a nice wedding where we all could sing one of our favorite songs of Jose Mari Chan, "Sing Me Your Song Again Daddy". Well, I did but none of my family were able to witness it, especially my Dad. So this year, I recorded a video and I was holding back the tears because I really miss my Dad and wished he was there to see me start my life with a wonderful man whom I fell in love with. Dad can be a pain most of the time but he loves our family. He sometimes have strange ways of showing it but there's no question that he loves us with all of his heart. To my Dad who I owe my life... I miss your voice, I miss you singing to us, I miss you telling us stories of "Bantay", "Kapre", and many others. You are one amazing father. I love you.

That's What Twins Are For

To the one who I shared my mother's womb at the same time.

I am forever grateful that you're my twin. Thank you for looking after me --- in good times and bad. I have so much reason to be well again. I have great families, friends, colleagues at work. I promise I will get better. I'm already on my way to get better because I feel loved. My life is truly blessed by our Father in Heaven.

I just watched a video that was shared by a friend of mine, Joseph Moore, about people who have suffered rejection and discouragement in life but pushed their way out of it with so much faith and determination that those people who told them they can't was truly proven wrong. Towards the end of the video is a quote: "If you've never failed in life, you've never lived" (Life = risk). Its very inspiring.

I know I have so much expectation on myself and to others and I should listen to you more often and lower that expectation just like you and my branch president said. Don't worry now ok? I will be get better.

Two Words

I recorded this video day after my birthday, June 18, 2010 - to thank Dennis for choosing me and for making me realize that life is a lot more meaningful when we are looking at the same "destination" - eternity. We are far from it but I know that as we each draw closer to our Savior Jesus Christ, we're a step closer to that blissful place of eternity.

Very Filipino!

I saw this youtube video that my good friend (one of the best), Emerson, shared and Dennis was in awe... I told him that this is a very "normal" reaction from a Pinoy cool "badings" and that they are extremely fun to be around with. I have a lot of gay friends back home and they watch your back like a lioness to its cub. And because they are Pinoys, and we are known to be extremely passionate, we are capable of loving so much and hating so much, etc. And I told him that Pinoys are big on Ms. Universe Pageant (even Barangay pageant as long as its pageant of some sort)...AND most of all... BOXING! Beauty & Beast!!! One great contrast to describe Filipino at its best. We can be very very nice and cuddly... but we can throw punches here and there that would knock anyone down who gets in our way. hehe!

Supporting my Insanity?

I am going through a difficult stage in my life where I feel that everything is closing down on me, the world is turning its back on me, the skies are grey, the rainbow is black and white, and I'm a bad person, etc. Anyhows, I've been fighting this feeling for several weeks now because clearly I have no reason to think that the world is coming to an end. Yes, I have setbacks and they are serious in nature but the pros outweighs the cons.

And yet, I find myself having uncontrollable feeling of sadness, helplessness, hopelessness like I've never felt before. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts of s-----e, waking up in the middle of the night just crying and refusing to be comforted (it's like I'm taking refuge in my very dark world). I remember Dr. Goodwill and Dr. Day always talking about Norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin, etc. neurotrasmitters that aid in feelings of well-being... I guess I'm running short of those. Time to see a medical professional.

In the midst of these episodes of my "lowest of low", Dennis has been very supportive and loving. He's the one who suffers the most because I live with him (poor thing). Last night I was extremely sad and crying while eating (just terrible)and then an hour later I was happy and dancing like a fool - Dennis danced along and it made me laugh so hard. I hugged him and thank him for supporting my insanity and whispered to him that I will do all I can to be better (e.g. get rid of this depression with the help of able medical professionals). He then counselled me to not lose faith in my Father in Heaven that I will find the comfort and peace that I need.

In times like this, I miss my family in the Philippines the most. Whenever I make major mistakes, it never really let them down... they still believed in me and they are a great support system. I guess blood relations does that. My newfound family, Dad James and Mom Annie are all the more sensitive of my needs too. Mom Annie is aware that my pimple breakouts since I moved here to Malaysia is really affecting me and she's always on the lookout for facial treatment promotions and beauty products that are potential answer to my wicked acne problems. Dad James on the other hand, has been a great emotional support for me. He may not know the details of what I'm going through, but he's very sensitive of my feelings. Just last night, Dennis came home with a newspaper in hand that Dad James wanted me to read. It's about being resilient and it shares about the story of Helen Keller. I'm grateful for my in-laws.

Sunday. We were visited by the Lim Family - with the four kids. It was special. I felt special. I felt understood... I still don't have answers as to what I'm going to do with myself... I am in a downward spiral but after their visit... I see a glimpse of hope that I can come out of it strong. My hope is that it will happen soon... I don't want to be a burden anymore to Dennis who is forever convinced that he deserves me when clearly, he deserves so much better. He keeps reminding me that our marriage is eternal so giving up is not an option... only moving forward.

Babies Getting Dumped

Ok, so for this past few months "Star" newspaper (Malaysia) has been writing about babies that have been left by their parents at strangers doorstep or at the hospitals after being delivered... and today's frontpage is even more shocking - police had to rummage through a dumpsite to find a foetus.

In that same news article a baby boy was left with his umbilical cord still attached to him right outside a policeman's house. He was then rushed to the hospital for treatment. The baby boy is so handsome and is smiling in the picture. I don't know what the circumstances the mother might have found herself in that lead her to a decision of abandoning her baby but I have a very strong feeling that it will break her heart to see that picture of a perfect angel that she just gave away.

I was born in Butuan City, Agusan del Norte (Mindanao)and we lived right by the Agusan River, third largest basin in the Philippines. I remember when I was about 5 years old, there was a big commotion in our neighborhood and being the nosy girl that I was, I went and checked what was going on. The closer I get to where a lot of the people are gathered, the noxious stench became unbearable but it didn't stop me from finding out. I saw men who are trying to lift a sack with dead babies and they found about 2 of them. I didn't understand it then why this has to happen to innocent babies who had done no wrong (they were never given a chance to make that choice). I didn't understand it then... and I still don't... and perhaps never will. But what I do understand is the feeling I get whenever I see or hear of these things - longing to have been given a chance to care for them. My parents always keep our doors open to runaway maids, to strangers who need a place to stay... and our family is big because we know so many of them who became a part of our family. They are very caring people.

We take anything in... even stray dogs. At one time, we had four dogs. Two who we chose (Lad and Risky), one (Beauty) who choose my family over her owner (they moved to a new place in a new town but Beauty found her way back into our house and to this day we still haven't figured out how she managed to find her way), and one (Chance) who was left right outside our doorstep but was taken back after few weeks and it broke our heart.

(Sigh) I wish I have forever to tell you stories about this 4 beautiful dogs.. I'll save it for some other time. As I was writing... about the babies getting dumped... I know they are safe in the arms of the One who gave them life... the One who gave us ours.

Weakness - a Crime?

"Ode to the Mote in Mine Eyes"

You,
yes you,
who magnified my weakness,
look around you.

You,
yes you,
who think my weakness is a crime,
open your eyes...
Because the world has real criminals,
and not all of them, although convicted,
are guilty of their crimes.

Note: I think I know this all along, but it never quite registered until now.. a realization that I am the greatest enemy of myself. That I am the worst judge of myself. Simon Cowell's "medieval stoning" through his foul mouth that everyone are just so into these days, I can't believe I even consider this, is as sweet as honey compared to the voices in my head.

I've seen this a long time ago but a friend of mine, Li Mei, shared the link on facebook. And I watched it over & over again and thought to myself, this is one of the things I want to watch when I do feel beaten up... "The celebration of Life over Limitation"

What happens if your Father-in-Law reads your blog?

Ok, so the whole idea of writing a blog is because I haven't been consistent with my journal writing. Blogger.com inspires me to make a record of my life in the hope that one day my children and children's children can relate to me and they won't have to feel alone. And it is also my hope that the very few who will read it will also feel the same way. The worldwide web allowed me to reach out not only to my soul but also to my past, present, and future.

Anyways, Dad James picked me up from work yesterday and he told me that he read my blog especially the one I wrote about "Of Being a Mother". He said that the forwarded e-mail about being a mother and what not wasn't meant for me but for my eldest sister, Ate Lala. And that he wasn't aware that he sent me that e-mail. He comforted me by saying that I shouldn't feel pressured and I should be more relaxed. I was totally relieved when I heard him say that. And Dad, if you are reading this I want you to know that I am grateful for all that you are to me. You're the best father-in-law every daughter-in-law could wish for. Thank you so much for making me feel loved. I have two wonderful fathers now!

First Successfully Uploaded Video

12/8/2010 - learning how to play ukulele. First time to record and successfully upload a video of myself attempting to sound descent and give justice to songs I like. So far, I've learned 3 songs I can play with ukulele. I will practice a little bit more and upload some more. And I hope I will get better in time. It's fun doing this though.

I'm learning Ukulele and although I'm bad at it, I'm actually enjoying it. I do miss playing guitar though. I'm thinking of buying one next month or after. Can't wait to play my oldies but goodies songs!

Learning Ukulele is harder than I thought

Dad James 57th Birthday

It's Dad James 57th Birthday today. We bought a small cake for him, Mango Yogurt Mousse Cake (since he loves mango). It was just the four of us (Mum, Dad, Dennis, and myself) as usual and we sang Happy Birthday song for him and he made a wish and said it out loud too which I thought was funny. But anyways, his wish is to celebrate his 60th birthday. Yup, Dad is "one-day-at-a-time" man and appreciates every year that is added to his life.

After eating our slice of cake we had durian feast! He bought so much durian and it was absolutely delicious! It was my first time to eat more than one seed. Then we chatted and somehow our talk ended up with my remarks on why Dad needs to install an alarm system at his home because the price was just exorbitant. Dad and Mum told us that there were already three break-ins for this past month in the same housing area that they are now living in. They then told us of their "break-in" experience long time ago. There were 3-4 thieves who broke in to their house and Mum's uncle was downstairs and tried to call them. Dad and Mum thought that he was yelling "Snake!" Apparently, one of the thief was covering his mouth. When they were going down they saw the thief with a knife and so they ran back to their bedroom and lock the door. They started screaming for help. Their knees were shaking the whole time. Dennis was two years old then and was sleeping soundly in his room. That was really scary.

I think the world has become more and more polluted with evil men who wants to make "fast money", of course at the expense of honest and hardworking people. It has become a "Necessity" a "need" to arm your homes with CCTV, alarm and security system... so you can sleep peacefully. It's just sad. You can't even send your children out to play at the park without adult supervision. We don't need alien invasion to wipeout human race because we are pretty much equipped to destroy each other, in all the sense of the word (sad truth).

Moving on...we watched the news and Dad told me of the news about Philippines that someone from PAGCOR suggested to Noynoy (Philippine President) to consider the privatization of Casino in the Philippines and selling it to Malaysian business tycoons (the owner of Maxis, YTL, and I forgot who the other one is). I'm not sure how true this is but whatever. I don't really care much about gambling institutions because I know there are more productive ways of investing your money and gambling, although popular, is not really a "high-road" to take. That's just my take on it.


In a good note, on our way to buy Dad's cake at Jusco Bukit Tinggi, the sky was just so emaculate and I had to take a picture. The grey clouds was like silk and the sun looks like an eye. Its so beautiful. Oh the majesties of God's creation is truly a testimony that he exist. No matter where we are in the world, we all share the same sun and the same sky. I am in awe!

Of Being a Mother (from my Father-in-Law)

I have known my in-laws for a little over a year now and I have grown to appreciate and love them. They are quiet protective and supportive of all our endeavors. They made sure that I will feel welcome and comfortable in my new home - Malaysia. And I am. Dad James, my father-in-law, is a quite fascinating character. He's very sensitive, thoughtful, wise, sociable, etc. We can talk just about anything, from social problems to home improvement, from Frank Sinatra's "My Way" to Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy", etc.

This past year that I have grown so close to them, not once did they ever ask me if I'm pregnant or when do we plan to have a baby. It helped me in many ways because I have been quite depress about not getting pregnant and there are days when it really gets inside my head and stay there like a malignant tumor. Anyways, going back to my father-in-law. Last night we had dinner together as a family (Dad James, Mum Annie, Nick, Dennis and myself) to celebrate his 57th birthday. We ate at Eighty Eight BBQ Steamboat Restaurant. We had so much fun because it was our first time to eat there and its eat all you can for reasonable price and you cook and grill your own food. You take your own ingredients and they have seafood station, meat, vegetables, dumplings, etc. There's ice cream too and it's bottomless! I had 3 bowls in 6 different flavors!We laughed at each other, even Nick (who is extremely reserved) was laughing too. It was my first time to see and hear him laugh.

Anyway, before I get sidetracked with the food stuff, going back to my father-in-law, this morning I received a forwarded e-mail from him. He loves to forward e-mails. Anyways, the title of the e-mail is "Being a Mother." And I thought, "Oh great! Now, I have to really work it." The message of course is just what the title implies. I guess because Dad James is not getting any younger that he probably is giving me a "wink, wink" of when is he going to be a grandfather. But then again, it might be one of his regular forwarded e-mails and he is probably not suggesting anything. But as for me, whose arms have been longing to cradle a tiny creature with small hands and feet; whose heart is longing to nurture a small creature that is a mixture of mine and Dennis' chromosomes....... (sigh)...... it's going to be a big challenge to not feel the "pressure" when I'm already putting so much on myself without anybody's help.

Anyways, anyone care for chocolates and ice cream? I could really use some just about now!

"Hereiam"

(no copyright intended)
Woke up this morning - like all other mornings that Dennis and I have to prepare to go to work. I was blow drying my hair and then "Here I Am" phrase just came to my mind. And I thought to myself, "Hey, that's a good name for a baby." If there is "Will I Am" for William, I thought it would be a good idea to name one of my children "Hereiam" for Here I am. Then I smiled... quite happy with the idea. And perhaps the second one will be "Sendme" for Send Me. Then I was humming the song... "there's a light inside that's leading me on... and a voice that's calling my name... and for all I believe I will go where it leads ... put my life in Heaven's Hand... this is His plan... Here I am, send me.." (dunno if the words are exact but it is somewhat like that). I wonder what Dennis' thoughts are with those names.

I asked Dennis couple of days ago about "Hereiam" and "Sendme" as potential names for our babies... and he looked at me... with his dreamy eyes and said (with a smirk), "Dunno" (in a very Malaysian accent). His "dunno" always mean, "Hon, can you think of something better?!" I'll keep trying, until he says, "Eureka!"

2nd Year Wedding Anniversary

To all our families and friends who have been an instrument, one way or another, in bringing Dennis and me together - we celebrate this day, August 2, 2010, our 2nd year wedding anniversary and pray that we will fill in the rest of eternity with love for each other.

Dennis and I are both really busy with work and with our callings in Church. We try to have as much quality time together as we can. We have been greatly blessed by God with good life, good health, wonderful friends, supportive families, and most importantly each other. We are hoping, praying, and anticipating for addition to our family... to our unborn children (five to be exact or however many that God will blessed us with), we are excited to welcome you --- we will wait for you all.

To remember this auspicious occasion, we had dinner at Victoria Station in PJ - the restaurant is set up like a train and the waiters are in cowboy costume. They have great customer service. The ambiance is perfect! The music is delightful - country music... just the way I like it. They also played Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" one of my personal favorite. And their smoked salmon appetizer was really tasty. The salmon tasted sweet, smoky, and fresh. With a pinch of salt and white pepper and lemon juice, I was transported to a place so heavenly. And oh, their beef steak (medium) was sweet and juicy. I have to be bold as to say it is 10 times better than the steak at Hy's Steakhouse Waikiki. Perhaps even more! We had dark grapes sparkling juice and banana split for dessert. And the best part is, Dennis and me talked about the many reasons why we fell in love with each other and how we can improve more in our relationship.

Cheers to many more years of marital bliss!

After the Storm... a Still Small Voice

I have to write something about a very humbling experience yesterday so as not to repeat the same offense and learn from it... and move on with a more determined resolution to become a better person.

The experience of listening to others thoughts and feelings about my gazilion weaknesses (magnified a hundred-fold) and how my bad behavior was a "let-down" was a truly painful and humbling experience. The last time I cried so hard was when my Mom passed away. Yesterday was "like unto it" - not so much but very close. And oh the wonders of sunglasses that could hide my exposed feelings after such a scenario.

To listen to people tell you what you could have done differently and reiterate your weaknesses is like walking into an open fire. All bullets are directed at you. And it hurts so bad. While receiving everything that is thrown at me, I thought of a scripture passage in Nephi where it says "the guilty taketh the truth to be hard for it cutteth them to the very center." Truth hurts but it will set us free. And it did! Having asked for forgiveness for the things I've done that hurt others, I am now in the process of forgiving myself and I actually slept better last night. Bitter may be the bud but the fruit will be sweet... (i forgot the exact quote but its something like that).

It may take a while to regain a good friendship, but time will be a good healer. I can now move on... with a more determined resolution to not judge others, to be more sensitive to others feelings, to be more in control and not explode, to be more open, to be honest, to be organised, to be more enduring, to hold on... and many others... and as one friend said (who took a bullet or two for me), "stay strong and never ever give up..." After the storm.... a still small voice....that I am not alone and that I am a child of God.