Reunited with Neena in Jakarta, Indonesia

"True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for awhile. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off..." -- Author Unknown

It's my first visit in Jakarta, Indonesia (December 3-7, 2011) - Dennis is here for work while I'm here to be with Neena - one of my bestfriend from University years. I don't know exactly how our friendship started but it was one of those that just happened.

We are now both married and living lives that we both did not expect... nonetheless we are pressing on... going back is not an option for both of us. We both are changed in many ways...but whenever I'm with her, even after not seeing each other for a long time, we do pick up right where we left off... it's amazing how that works.

I see great strength in her... I sometimes do not understand when others say that she's physically weak... because despite her health conditions I see and feel strength beyond what I've known she is capable of. I see a strong woman ready to take on her journey... and she will not be alone. She has grown beyond her years and I look up to her then and I still do now.

Neena is truly one of a kind. I wish I could say so much more about Jakarta - but my visit really wasn't meant to explore the country but to "pick up right where Neena and I left off" and we did just that. Mission accomplished.

Response to "At The Cross Road"

First of, I would like to thank my wife for reminding me that I should write my journal on the blog that she created for us. That's why the name of the blog is "Dennis & Joanah." When my wife told me that I should write on the blog, I didn't object, and surprisingly I said yes. It reminds me of Elder's Scott's talk. He wanted to fix the washing machine for his wife, but his wife told him that he should spend more time with his children. At first, he hesitated, but at the end he gave in. I think I should spend more time sharing with others about my feelings and thoughts that would perhaps inspire others or give others hope that there is a better future out there.

Alright, let's get back to the comment that my wife posted on the blog, title, "At The Cross Road." Somehow, the title reminds me of the book that I read for a class, I can't remember what class, but the title of the book is "At the Cross Road." It is about a guy who went through a really tough time in his life. At one point of his life, while he was walking on the farm, he came to a junction where there was only one junction. It is either you take left or right, without knowing what lies ahead of him. I guess at one point in time, our lives maybe at the cross road, where we have to make certain decisions in our life. The question is which road will lead to a better future? I believe that no matter what road we take, we should always have hope that the outcome will lead to a better life.

At A Cross Road

Couple of nights ago, Dennis and I were lying down, looking at each others' eyes and waiting for sleep to come. Sleep was no where near so we decided to talk about 'us'. Moved by the spirit, I felt impress to listen to Dennis (it's almost often the other way around). While looking at me and stroking my hair so lovingly, he then proceeded to ask me "life-altering questions". The kind that wakes you up from a deep slumber. The kind that Elder Holland was talking about recently from his general conference address : "...to afflict the comfortable". And by divine intervention, my mouth was struck dumb and my heart did not protest but took it all in. One such questions cut through deep inside my soul: "Hon, what is your priority? Is it our family? Why do you always want to leave?" I wasn't sure what he meant but I was under the impression that if our family is indeed my priority, I did not make it clear to him in my words, in my thoughts and in my deeds.

Dennis then proceeded to chastise me with so many things I have neglected or refused to do, the things that I am lacking - Dennis prepares my breakfast, he washes and irons our clothes, he cleans the house, etc. He does all that without any help from me. I have been neglecting my share of the load for few months now (this is embarrassing and hard for me to even write). He even ask me if I ever think of him... (all these was done while he was stroking my hair, lying in our bed, looking across each other). In all the time we were together... that's when I felt loved the most. He wanted me to grow. To remember who I am - a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Dennis wanted me to realize my potential and let my light shine. I think I'm too comfortable now... I know Dennis is reliable and responsible so I play the truant wife.

We said I love you and we hugged until sleep overcame us both. I woke up thinking about what transpired the night before. My untamed heart and my raging pride was silenced for once. And I felt repentant. A poem came to mind... which I memorized i think when i was in elementary or high school, :

Shall I follow the stream
Or cross the sea,
Strive for a dream
Or let life be?

Shall it be neon lights
That spell sucess,
Or flickering lamplight
For happiness?

Follow the thunder?
Follow the storm?
Follow the whisper
That leaves and breeze form?

Follow my heartbeat?
Follow my head?
What shall each bring me?
Where shall each lead?

... I am not certain why that poem just came to me. I forgot who the author was. It's one of those things you were asked to memorized that never left you like "13 Articles of Faith", "All Things Bright and Beautiful" (a poem), "Arrival Speech of Benigno S. Aquino" (a speech). I know it's random but those are the things I know by heart. But yeah... the poem came to me like a rushing tide. I am not sure why and how I am going to make it up to Dennis, to myself and to my Father in Heaven. But I feel that I gotta start somewhere. After I came back from work yesterday, instead of opening the fridge and having an ice cream while I seat for hours either listening to the radio, watching the TV (most often is watching TV), taking a nap or reading books until Dennis comes home... I took a broom and a dust pan and cleaned our living room... only then did I watch TV and finished reading the book I have been reading for 3 days.

It was small...but it made Dennis happy. He even suggested that I use the vacuum. Under normal circumstances, I would have said, "Don't push your luck." But feeling repentant, I thought that was a lovely idea...

"She's Always There"

... remembering Mama...

I remember when I was little, I would watch "Land Before Time" with my siblings. It's a story about Littlefoot, who is orphaned when his mother is killed by a Sharptooth. Littlefoot is searching for the "Great Valley" where there is food and no Sharptooth. On his journey, he became friends with four dinosaurs: Cera,Ducky, Petri and Spike (my favourite - he's the youngest of all).

These 5 dinosaur friends survived adversity - being attacked and almost eaten by Sharptooth, earthquakes, volcanic eruption, being divided by opinions, etc. What kept them from focusing on their goal to find the 'Great Valley' is Littlefoot's mother, who (before passing away) told him how to get there and that she will be with him. When all hope is gone and Littlefoot is losing faith of ever finding the 'Great Valley', he saw a cloud that looks and sound like his mother. He followed the cloud which leads him to the Great Valley, where the rest of the dinosaurs are including Littlefoot's grandparents. And all dinosaurs were reunited with their family. "And they all grew up together in the valley. generation upon generation, each passing on to the next, the tale of their ancestor's journey to the valley long ago".

We would all bawl over this animated film and my youngest brother Tan-tan (he's probably 4 or 5 then) would cry and Mama would go to him and hug him. Mama would cry watching this one too. I miss her... I miss Tan-tan too... I miss Ate Lala... I miss Kuya Kokoy... I miss Ate Aleth... I miss Krey-krey... I miss Two-two... I miss Dad too. I miss our brother Gab too...

When Mama died, I felt numb. I worked, hardly ate, couldn't really sleep. For a while, I became neither happy nor sad. Just like what the song 'If we hold on together' said, I was truly out there in the dark. But it was around this time that I knew even more that we can be together forever with my Mama. "When we are out there in the dark, we'll dream about the sun. In the dark we'll feel the light, warm our hearts, everyone."

To my Mama... please watch over us, especially our dearest bunso Tan-tan as he continue his journey without your physical presence. Watch over Ate Lala as she starts her life anew...Kuya Kokoy as he bear his burden with great faith and compassion... Ate Aleth as she strives to make her house a home... Kuya Krey as he endeavor to help our family and establish his own... Two-two as she struggles to regain her faith in the gospel, in love and in life... Daddy as he struggles to be strong without you by his side... and to me... as I struggle to come to terms with the choices I made in my life.

We love you Mama...we know we can find you everywhere..."in the morning light, in the evening star, you're always there".

Renewed Hope of the Eternal Nature of Family

Early this morning, I was so excited to hear from my family. As we commemorate the first year anniversary of my Nanay's death (grandmother), a spring of hope is restored as we witness a brand new life about to begin for our beloved Ate. There's so many reasons for her to give up on life, to stop hoping and praying, to be despondent and miserable, etc. But she rose above all that... like she always have. And we will forever look up to her. I know now why we chose her from time immemorial to be our Ate. She has been taking very good care of us since we were born (6 siblings after her) - literally our second mom. And she still is.

I am truly privileged to be loved by her. She's great in every way. I pray that you will find a man who will deserve your all-encompassing and compassionate heart. You are a real treasure. Congratulations for your leap of faith... we are all homeward bound. I look forward to the day when we all shall leave this temporary home called earth and join our Mama - no longer separated with space and time.
I love you Ate.

The Beatle-mania

I grew up listening to the Beatles and their songs are truly beatle-licious. I've often played their songs in my head when I couldn't figure out what to put in my test papers and what not, or when I'm spaced out, or in the middle of Physics class listening to Mr. Mesa (my high school physics teacher) - well, I guess I wasn't really listening to Mr. Mesa because I'm playing Beatles song in my head. But yeah.. I get the adrenaline rush when I'm listening to the Beatles. I just get naturally high - I can't even begin to describe it. Dennnis doesn't even have words to describe when he sees me listening-singing-along-and-dancing-with-much-hype to Beatles song. He only looks at me with that weird smile on his face as if he's saying to himself, "if only I had known... I could've gotten myself out of this. Now, it's everlastingly too late - but it's all ok, she looks rather cute going gaga over the Beatles." ;)

Anyways, I've been watching American Idol Season 10. And yes, I like it A LOT WITH STEVEN TYLER! They did Beatles song this week and my favourite song was sang by two of the contestants, Blackbird. I fell in love with it even more. They did justice to the song. I was immensely pleased especially with the male voice.

Cheers to the Beatles! We will continue to celebrate your songs long after you're gone. Your influence to the world... your music... will continue to live.

Valentines Day 2011

What a typical Filipina would want for a Valentines Day? Chocolate (check), greeting card (check), flowers (check) and "harana" (well, I took care of that - check). Many people make this day an excuse for consumerism - cost of flower sky rocketed at least 3 times more. But we can't help it... Valentine's Day is truly a sorry excuse for hopeless romantic - and I'm a self-profess hopeless romantic. And Dennis, out of love, would go the distance to make sure he will take care of that "Filipina-in-me" (and perhaps to avoid an ugly confrontation later - hehe!).

We all say that everyday should be a Valentines Day the way we say that everyday should be a Christmas Day. But we do forget - it's human nature to forget - so we take advantage of days like this when we can sit down, have dinner, make some chocolate chip muffin with chocolate sundae, stop and smell the flowers, listen and dance to your wedding song, remember the reasons we fell in love - just remember.... and we do. Keeping it that way is the real challenge... but today... just today, it's our Valentines Day.

Dennis, you're my anchor. You're the only thing that is constant in my life. You're the only safe decision I've ever made... and I'm the only risk you took. I love you... to eternity and beyond.

To our little brother Gab....

You have been constantly in our thoughts, in our prayers, in our fasting... if we only could take some of the pains your body is going through so you won't suffer too much. Your Dad and Uncle are really hurting inside to see you go through it... we wish we could be there for you all... but know that we are praying for you constantly. Please be strong... just like we are trying to be (or at least pretend to be)... be brave little one... just like what Ate Lala keeps telling all of us.

We love you... and hey... we are looking forward to your visit.. we have yet to do so many things together so hang in there... hang tight.