At A Cross Road

Couple of nights ago, Dennis and I were lying down, looking at each others' eyes and waiting for sleep to come. Sleep was no where near so we decided to talk about 'us'. Moved by the spirit, I felt impress to listen to Dennis (it's almost often the other way around). While looking at me and stroking my hair so lovingly, he then proceeded to ask me "life-altering questions". The kind that wakes you up from a deep slumber. The kind that Elder Holland was talking about recently from his general conference address : "...to afflict the comfortable". And by divine intervention, my mouth was struck dumb and my heart did not protest but took it all in. One such questions cut through deep inside my soul: "Hon, what is your priority? Is it our family? Why do you always want to leave?" I wasn't sure what he meant but I was under the impression that if our family is indeed my priority, I did not make it clear to him in my words, in my thoughts and in my deeds.

Dennis then proceeded to chastise me with so many things I have neglected or refused to do, the things that I am lacking - Dennis prepares my breakfast, he washes and irons our clothes, he cleans the house, etc. He does all that without any help from me. I have been neglecting my share of the load for few months now (this is embarrassing and hard for me to even write). He even ask me if I ever think of him... (all these was done while he was stroking my hair, lying in our bed, looking across each other). In all the time we were together... that's when I felt loved the most. He wanted me to grow. To remember who I am - a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Dennis wanted me to realize my potential and let my light shine. I think I'm too comfortable now... I know Dennis is reliable and responsible so I play the truant wife.

We said I love you and we hugged until sleep overcame us both. I woke up thinking about what transpired the night before. My untamed heart and my raging pride was silenced for once. And I felt repentant. A poem came to mind... which I memorized i think when i was in elementary or high school, :

Shall I follow the stream
Or cross the sea,
Strive for a dream
Or let life be?

Shall it be neon lights
That spell sucess,
Or flickering lamplight
For happiness?

Follow the thunder?
Follow the storm?
Follow the whisper
That leaves and breeze form?

Follow my heartbeat?
Follow my head?
What shall each bring me?
Where shall each lead?

... I am not certain why that poem just came to me. I forgot who the author was. It's one of those things you were asked to memorized that never left you like "13 Articles of Faith", "All Things Bright and Beautiful" (a poem), "Arrival Speech of Benigno S. Aquino" (a speech). I know it's random but those are the things I know by heart. But yeah... the poem came to me like a rushing tide. I am not sure why and how I am going to make it up to Dennis, to myself and to my Father in Heaven. But I feel that I gotta start somewhere. After I came back from work yesterday, instead of opening the fridge and having an ice cream while I seat for hours either listening to the radio, watching the TV (most often is watching TV), taking a nap or reading books until Dennis comes home... I took a broom and a dust pan and cleaned our living room... only then did I watch TV and finished reading the book I have been reading for 3 days.

It was small...but it made Dennis happy. He even suggested that I use the vacuum. Under normal circumstances, I would have said, "Don't push your luck." But feeling repentant, I thought that was a lovely idea...